is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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