Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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