Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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