WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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