we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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