I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
