she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
