Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
