college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have post one night stand depression
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