I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
