Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
