Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
