She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Life is so much better after having sex.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
