forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
