I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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