Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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