Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
