A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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