You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
