So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
