I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
