Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
