last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
