I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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