I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high