Can I ask u a weird question?
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you