My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
