My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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