drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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