her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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