You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
