I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
