I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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