i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
