Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
