but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
