you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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