How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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