birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
