in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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