trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There's even glitter on my cock...
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