I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
