i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
