i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
