Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
