Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
