A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
