Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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