I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
