So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
and you fell through a lawn chair
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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