Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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