I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
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Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
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Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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