Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
this is an emotional support booty call
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
