Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
