Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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