he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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