I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
