I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
