She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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