Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
