I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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